Sunday, April 01, 2012

Suck it weatherman!


How is it that 20 years ago, before the advent of computers, weathermen could tell you when it would start raining on your block? And, they did it by examining weather patterns and knowing their shit. Since that time, the US Meteorological Society has launched multimillion dollar weather satellites and download trillions of bits of historical information and they can't tell me if it will be sunny and clear today or a fucking tsunami. Our local weather-dick has these cringe worthy contests in which he'll do something stupid if his temperature prediction is off by a certain number of degrees. I'd rather have my taint skewered by a unicorn than watch this TV weather shitfest. And, if he happens to get it right, he prances around the studio like he just cured his own HIV. If congress wants to start doing something productive, how about investigating the scam that is weather forecasting. We might be surprised....on second thought, no we won't.

Monday, December 13, 2010

A douche bag and a blizzard


When I decided to hire a person to clear the snow from our driveway and sidewalks, I thought I found the right guy. I was relieved knowing that my absence during the week wouldn't cause my wife to have to shovel her way out of the driveway in the morning. He seemed nice, reliable and told me had brand new equipment. A short few hours later, a blizzard hits Wisconsin. I didn't have a care in the world, even after the 22nd inch fell on our driveway. I knew my guy was going to come through and within no time, we would be backing out of our driveway. Sure, he didn't show up until it was dark but heck, he was my guy....a snow throwing madman! Well, actually he was a snow piling, snow leaving, snow-no-throwing pussbucket. He managed to pile a 6 foot snow drift in front of my garage door...then he left never to be seen again. The sidewalks aren't done and the city will probably cite us by the morning. It just goes to show you that you can't rely on anybody to do what they promised. There are so many douche bags out there that go about their business as though you rely completely upon them and so they're not required to reliable.

Labels:

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Butt drunk


If you are a female sports reporter and decide to go to work after painting on a pair of jeans and picking a blouse from the Fredricks of Hollywood collection, don't be surprised if a few of the testytards look in your direction. And, if you take an incoming jockstrap to the face, well that's part of the fun. This is the painted pants jock lobber...you make the call.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

America's Got Talent


Some Americans do have talent. Unfortunately, none of them appear in this stupid show slapped onto our television screens by N.B.C. every Wednesday night. It's a talent show of sorts in which acts perform in front of three judges. The judges can agree that the act deserves to "move on" (whatever the fuck that means) or they get bounced with 2 out of 3 no votes. And, they can hurry the hook by hitting a button in front of them much like hitting the gong in the immortal Gong Show. I don't know what is worse, the acts or Simon Cowell pal, David Hasselhoff. He attempts to be the "over the top" judge by moaning and groaning about an act one minute and giving a standing ovation to a poodle act the next. And, why does his right hand always slip below the desk whenever some post-op transexual morphadite is on stage? The Paula Abdul of the trio of judges is the incredibly famous...Brandy. How did they land such a big star? I just figured she was booked up playing the atriums of the eastride, northridge, southride and westridge malls near you. She looks drawn out like she just barfed her last parsley sandwich a minute before the show started. The British dude, Piers Morgan, is the most reasonable judge on the show and is the only one that appears to know how to pick talent. I do think the show might be ok if they would just keep bringing out acts one after another. Instead, they engage in this tedious dialogue with each contestant either before or after their act which seems to bring whatever momentum they had to a screeching halt. N.B.C. will keep this turd floating for a while because Simon Cowell is the executive producer. There is no doubt in my mind he tried to get Mark Burnett to sign on to this thing but he refused. Now there's talent!

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Ann Coulter is a stupid right-wing skank


During a June 6th interview with Matt Lauer on the Today Show, Republican hand-job pixie Ann Coulter described the widows of 9/11 victims as "broads" attempting to profit off the deaths of their husbands saying that she "has never seen people enjoying their husbands deaths so much". In her new book, she challenges them to pose in Playboy before their stars burn out. Ann Coulter is a boney horse faced big mouthed slut that needs to crawl back into her own slime hole to die. Here's the transcript of her interview:

LAUER: Do you believe everything in the book or do you put some things in there just to cater to your base?

ANN: No, of course I believe everything.

LAUER: On the 9-11 widows, an in particular a group that had been critical of the administration: “These self-obsessed women seem genuinely unaware that 9-11 was an attack on our nation and acted like as if the terrorist attack only happened to them. They believe the entire country was required to marinate in their exquisite personal agony. Apparently, denouncing Bush was part of the closure process.”

And this part is the part I really need to talk to you about: “These broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by griefparrazies. I have never seen people enjoying their husband’s death so much.” Because they dare to speak out?

COULTER: To speak out using the fact they are widows. This is the left’s doctrine of infallibility. If they have a point to make about the 9-11 commission, about how to fight the war on terrorism, how about sending in somebody we are allowed to respond to. No. No. No. We have to respond to someone who had a family member die. Because then if we respond, oh you are questioning their authenticity.

LAUER: So grieve but grieve quietly?

COULTER: No, the story is an attack on the nation. That requires a foreign policy response.

LAUER: By the way, they also criticized the Clinton administration.

COULTER: Not the ones I am talking about. No, no, no.

LAUER: Yeah they have.

COULTER: Oh no, no, no, no, no. They were cutting commercials for Kerry. They were using their grief to make a political point while preventing anyone from responding.

LAUER: So if you lose a husband, you no longer have the right to have a political point of view?

COULTER: No, but don’t use the fact that you lost a husband as the basis for being able to talk about, while preventing people from responding. Let Matt Lauer make the point. Let Bill Clinton make the point. Don’t put up someone I am not allowed to respond to without questioning the authenticity of their grief.

LAUER: Well apparently you are allowed to respond to them.

COULTER: Yeah, I did....That is the point of liberal infallibility. Of putting up Cindy Sheehan, of putting out these widows, of putting out Joe Wilson. No, no, no. You can’t respond. It’s their doctrine of infallibility. Have someone else make the argument then.

LAUER: What I’m saying is I don’t think they have ever told you, you can’t respond.

COULTER: Look, you are getting testy with me.

LAUER: No. I think it’s a dramatic statement. “These broads are millionaires stalked by stalked by grief-parazzies”? “I have never seen people enjoying their husband’s deaths so much”?

COULTER: Yes, they are all over the news.

LAUER: The book is called “Godless: The Church of Liberalism.” Ann Coulter, always fun to have you here.

C'mon Matt, get some fucking balls and call her out...there's nothing fun about what she said. Ok, so let's hear from the widows:

We did not choose to become widowed on September 11, 2001. The attack, which tore our families apart and destroyed our former lives, caused us to ask some serious questions regarding the systems that our country has in place to protect its citizens. Through our constant research, we came to learn how the protocols were supposed to have worked. Thus, we asked for an independent commission to investigate the loopholes which obviously existed and allowed us to be so utterly vulnerable to terrorists. Our only motivation ever was to make our Nation safer. Could we learn from this tragedy so that it would not be repeated?

We are forced to respond to Ms. Coulter’s accusations to set the record straight because we have been slandered.

Contrary to Ms. Coulter’s statements, there was no joy in watching men that we loved burn alive. There was no happiness in telling our children that their fathers were never coming home again. We adored these men and miss them every day.

It is in their honor and memory, that we will once again refocus the Nation’s attention to the real issues at hand: our lack of security, leadership and progress in the five years since 9/11.

We are continuously reminded that we are still a nation at risk. Therefore, the following is a partial list of areas still desperately in need of attention and public outcry. We should continuously be holding the feet of our elected officials to the fire to fix these shortcomings.


1. Homeland Security Funding based on risk. Inattention to this area causes police officers, firefighters and other emergency/first responder personnel to be ill equipped in emergencies. Fixing this will save lives on the day of the next attack.

2. Intelligence Community Oversight. Without proper oversight, there exists no one joint, bicameral intelligence panel with power to both authorize and appropriate funding for intelligence activities. Without such funding we are unable to capitalize on all intelligence community resources and abilities to thwart potential terrorist attacks. Fixing this will save lives on the day of the next attack.

3. Transportation Security. There has been no concerted effort to harden mass transportation security. Our planes, buses, subways, and railways remain under-protected and highly vulnerable. These are all identifiable soft targets of potential terrorist attack. The terror attacks in Spain and London attest to this fact. Fixing our transportation systems may save lives on the day of the next attack.

4. Information Sharing among Intelligence Agencies. Information sharing among intelligence agencies has not improved since 9/11. The attacks on 9/11 could have been prevented had information been shared among intelligence agencies. On the day of the next attack, more lives may be saved if our intelligence agencies work together.

5. Loose Nukes. A concerted effort has not been made to secure the thousands of loose nukes scattered around the world – particularly in the former Soviet Union. Securing these loose nukes could make it less likely for a terrorist group to use this method in an attack, thereby saving lives.

6. Security at Chemical Plants, Nuclear Plants, Ports. We must, as a nation, secure these known and identifiable soft targets of Terrorism. Doing so will save many lives.

7. Border Security. We continue to have porous borders and INS and Customs systems in shambles. We need a concerted effort to integrate our border security into the larger national security apparatus.

8. Civil Liberties Oversight Board. Given the President’s NSA Surveillance Program and the re-instatement of the Patriot Act, this Nation is in dire need of a Civil Liberties Oversight Board to insure that a proper balance is found between national security versus the protection of our constitutional rights.

(signed)
September 11th Advocates

Kristen Breitweiser
Patty Casazza
Monica Gabrielle
Mindy Kleinberg
Lorie Van Auken

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

War of the Worlds


I finally saw War of the Worlds over the weekend on Cinemax. It totally took me by surprise but I actually got wigged out by a few scenes. When Ray and his daughter (Tom Cruise and Dakota Fanning....ah, Cruise played Ray, not the daughter) took refuge in the crazy dude's basement (played by Tim Robbins) and the big eye came to do reconnaissance, the hairs on the back of my neck stood straight up. Many viewers were critical of the ending but I thought it was well done. I suppose the critics would have preferred Spielberg tie everything up in a nice neat package. But, why not leave a little to the imagination. Now, don't get me wrong, it was no masterpiece. Even while my neck hairs were on end, I still managed to scream out a few "Cruise is a fucking douche!" rants. As long as you can put aside his bizarre public Scientology bullshit, Cruise can be believable as an actor. Probably the most annoying part of the film was when Dakota Fanning's character for some reason starts screaming hysterically, runs out of the basement and then reappears outside to scream some more. I wanted to slap her precious little child star face. When (not if) Mike and the guys come back to film more MST3K segments, this would be a good movie to goof on.

If you haven't seen WOW, give it a try, you might like it. And if you've convinced yourself that the movie sucks because it's too unbelievable, remember the lyrics to the MST3K theme song, "If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts, la, la la, just repeat to yourself, It's just a showwww, I should really just relax"!

Thursday, May 25, 2006

American I-dull



I'm happy Taylor Hicks won, he deserved it. The season finale was, well...interesting. It was almost like you had to watch but for the same reason you watch a train wreck. First off, who thought Meatloaf would be good television? His seizure like singing and red hanky waiving were atrocious. What would you expect from a guy who just released "Bat Out of Hell part 3" as a way to keep his one hit record going. During the duet, I half expected to see Katharine McPhee blink out an S.O.S. message like a hostage videotape. Fortunately for her, Toni Braxton's lyric forgetting disaster with Taylor Hicks overshadowed the Meatloaf debacle.

And, it's good see Clay Aiken shake off that homosexual thing. Geez, could he have looked anymore like a twinkie-fisted bungjocky? Oh, and what about Mandesa in a red dress? All I could think of was her crashing through a wall screaming, "Hey, Kool-Aid!" American Idol attempted to re-create the memorable Kelly Clarkson moment at the very end of the season one finale. The fireworks at the crescendo of Taylor's final song were as predictable as Meatloaf's overacting. Toward the end of the season, AI was starting to get hacky with all of the family member crap. I found it interesting that most of the family members were totally absent early on in the season until their relative started to achieve some notoriety. As the finale got closer, I bet the family members were fighting like cats and dogs for tickets. I'm sure it was a real treat for the family member that got to sit next to a balling David Hasselhoff. He must have heard Clay was going to be there.